Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
