Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I wish my penis had an off switch
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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