I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
