my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
