I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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