You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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