the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
