Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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