apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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