you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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