He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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