I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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