Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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