my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Help. Why am I so naked?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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