I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
