chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
