I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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