Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
