I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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