You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
