Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
