Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dignity is for republicans.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
