yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize