Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize