I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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