I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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