just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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