Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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