Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
