Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
how drunk are you?
Several
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
