New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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