I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
