Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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