So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When are your genitals available?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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