Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
