Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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