well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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