Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
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