i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
