I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
