Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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