RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
