i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My penis needs a shock collar
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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