I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
