Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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