I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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