Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My vagina is very pro this idea
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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