You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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