OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
