Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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