it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
