So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
