I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
