I hate your face
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
