There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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