if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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