true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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