dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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