nut hugger
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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