Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Still dying that you shit outside
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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