you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize