Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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