he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
