After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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